"My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest." Isaiah 32:18

You open your heart and your home only to have them trampled on. If you have wonderful guests that respect you and your home you may as well stop here and move on to another site. Today I am helping those who have gone through or continue experiencing terrible house guests and are looking for ideas to help make your time more enjoyable...to make your home your sanctuary.

Hey there, my name is Robbyn and I have been a mom who stays home with my kids for almost 18yrs now!!

I never set out to stay home. I loved being out and meeting new people each day. After graduating from a second college, working a few different jobs, I found myself unemployed just before getting married. Not long after I got offered a really great job at a local hospital, but then found out I was three months pregnant and needed to turn it down. Later my husband and I decided it would benefit us more if he took a job transfer. So we packed up and moved out west.

After we bought our first house, we began getting frequent visits from my in-laws who were now only 8 1/2 hours away. This meant they needed to be put up for a night or three. It was our first Christmas in our home and the first thing my mother in law did when she entered my kitchen was begin to take my food out of my fridge so that her food could go in. Out came my turkey which was put on the counter. I was not only upset that she did not ask, but being pregnant with my first child I was very concerned about food safety since I was not cooking the turkey until the next day. Could some of her pies go in the -10 degrees garage? Not on her watch!

By the time we bought our third house (we are now on our 5th), and two children in tow, I was becoming very proactive in ways to deal with house guests that were thoughtless of my family. Many times my family did not even remember the rudeness of the guests. Nope, they just remembered me getting angry after the guests had left. In those early years I believed my husband knew the Bible more than me as he had many verses memorized.

When I was angry he told me that Christians are not to be angry.

What the Bible actually says is "In your anger do not sin" Ephesians 4:26. I was angry for being bullied by my in-laws in my own home and no one would help me. For sure I was angry. I wanted a home of peace and rest, but it left me feeling resentful and bitter. I prayed and prayed but they did not stop commenting about my weight gain, even in public places, annoyed how I set up my home and put extra towels on a shelf in my laundry room, and tell me that I am "just" a housewife and a burden to their son. I believe that if I did not have postpartum depression I would have been able to handle them better. As it is written in James 1:20: "For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God". Anger happens, but it is not best for us or our relationship with God. Better to have a plan.

Instead I spiraled down into years of fear and isolation. I don't want that for you. There is a better way. Setting up your home and schedule is just the beginning. I also began to pray for my mother in law and that God would bless her. I was crying in my room one day to the Lord "why is she so mean to me?" and God answered me and said "it is nothing you have done, it is HER relationship with me that is broken". She and her husband have been leaders in the church for over 20 years and she is now a retired hospital recovery nurse.

Every Woman Deserves A Home That is Her Sanctuary. It is not just about what you buy to decorate your home to make it feel like a sanctuary. It is how you feel and are treated. How you are respected.

Creating a sanctuary of peace in your life is essential for maintaining mental well-being and overall happiness. If you are tired of being angry, like I was, and if you want things to change then keep reading and I will share with you three pillars to guide you in keeping your home a place of peace when guests come.

Three Pillars To Make Your Home Your Sanctuary.

Pillar #1 Set Clear Boundaries and Communication

1. Clear Boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries is fundamental. Many people will say "politely but firmly communicate your expectations to your guests", but for some guests it does not seem to matter to them. There were times I asked my in-laws to take their shoes off when walking around my house and they would keep them on and stomp right by me. My parents had a boarder who literally took down a sign my parents put up asking shoes to be left at the front door, and tore it in two. Some people don't like rules, and some don't like the person setting the rules.

You can try to let them know what areas are off-limits or if there are specific house rules. This is suppose to set the tone for respectful behavior and minimize misunderstandings. Unfortunately, this does not work with all people, especially when they believe they have more rights than you in your own home. Here are two boundaries that have helped me deal with difficult guests:

1. Limit Personal Information: One crucial boundary is controlling the personal information you share. Thoughtless guests often exploit sensitive details to manipulate or dominate conversations. When engaging with them, keep the discussion centered on neutral topics and avoid divulging details about your personal life, emotions, or vulnerabilities. By doing so, you safeguard yourself from potential emotional manipulation and maintain a sense of control over your interactions.

2. Enforce Family Limits: Some guests demand excessive amounts of attention and time, which can be draining. To protect your energy, set firm time limits on your interactions. For example, you might decide that you will only engage with them for a set duration, or only during specific times of the day. Communicate these limits clearly and stick to them. If they attempt to overstep, politely but firmly remind them of your boundary. This helps you maintain your own well-being and ensures that your time is respected. Have a back up plan or a time of rest for your family. I have found many times that if I say "This is what Wayne would like" (my husband) then they listen. For other guests I might say "this is what OUR family likes" and for some reason this type of guest will agree only on the majority of the vote. So get your family involved and discuss limits prior to guests arriving so everyone is on the same page. Communicate these boundaries clearly, kindly, and assertively to your guests.

2. Effective Communication

Establishing clear communication guidelines is vital. Some guests tend to monopolize conversations, interrupt, and dismiss others' viewpoints. While others are excited to share some news or funny story and get caught up in the moment unintentionally being thoughtless.

To counteract this, let them know that you would also like to share in the conversation. If they won't allow you to communicate or you are feeling powerless and invalidated, do not hesitate to end the conversation and walk away. This not only fosters mutual respect but also reinforces your commitment to healthy interactions. When a gust has said something unkind I have found it useful to say "could you repeat that?", instead of ignoring it. This way when they repeat themselves everyone else in the room can hear what they said and lessen your chance later of being gaslit. Beware if they are a bully. I have tried walking away from some people only to find they follow me all the way to the washroom. If this happens and you are feeling threatened, lock the door and call or text someone to help. If it is serious call the police.

Pillar #2 Create a Comfortable Environment

1. Declutter Your Space

A clutter-free environment promotes calm and order. Ensure that your home is tidy and organized to reduce stress and create a welcoming atmosphere. Designing a comfortable and inviting space can help mitigate stress caused by thoughtless guests. If I am surprised by quests coming unannounced, I take an empty tote (I keep a few always on hand) and clear a room of clutter and either stack them in my room or the bottom of an empty closet. I don't put any garbage in them or things that I know someone will need right away. I find it better to remove my items then have then in the way of guests accidentally breaking them or moving them to somewhere that I don't find them for a few months.

Additionally, provide amenities that encourage guests to be considerate, such as designated areas for shoes and coats, easily accessible trash bins, and clear instructions for using household appliances. A well-organized and welcoming environment can subtly guide guests towards respectful behavior.

Allocate time each week to declutter areas prone to mess. Use storage solutions like baskets and shelves to keep things organized. Encourage guests to put items back where they found them to maintain order.

I have a declutter planner for you that you can print here.

2. Create Cozy Spaces

Creating a harmonious environment involves making your space welcoming yet structured. Designate specific areas for guests and yourself to ensure everyone has their own space and where you can retreat and recharge. These spaces should be inviting and comfortable, offering a respite from any chaos brought by guests.

In the early years of being married I would escape to my bedroom closet to relax and just breathe. It was the only place I felt was quiet and no one find me, at least for 20 minutes or so. Now that I have had much more practice I set up a cozy reading nook with soft lighting, a comfortable chair or big comfy cushions, soothing music, and a few favorite books or games like sudoku. I definitely lean towards social introvert. I need to do whatever it takes for me to be calm and hold my composure.

Pillar #3 Practice Self-Care

5. Mindfulness Practices

Incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine to help manage stress and maintain inner peace, even when dealing with challenging guests.

Start your day with a few minutes of prayer, meditation or deep breathing exercises. Encourage a mindful atmosphere by playing relaxing music or using essential oils. Share these practices with your guests to promote a serene environment, but check if they have any allergies or sensitivities first to scents first.

I have a mini prayer journal for you that you can print here.

6. Self-Care Rituals

Prioritize your well-being by establishing self-care rituals that help you unwind and rejuvenate. This ensures you remain centered and resilient, regardless of guest behavior.

Schedule regular "me-time" activities, such as taking a long bath, going for a walk outside to look at nature, or enjoying a hobby. Make these activities non-negotiable, and communicate their importance to your guests, ensuring they respect your need for personal space and time.

I started to block off times in my calendar for when I do not want guests over. I Look six months to a year in advance for other activities we can do so that we are not stuck with a calendar full of open times that guests can dictate when they would like to come. Otherwise we never get to enjoy places we would like to see.

I have a self care checklist for you that you can print here.

By implementing these pillars, you can transform your home into a sanctuary of peace, even when faced with challenging guests. Remember, maintaining a respectful yet bold and friendly approach will help you navigate these situations with grace and ease.

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